As I am trudging through (only) my fourth
resume and cover letter, I have been listening to the album All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone by Explosions
in the Sky. One of my favorite songs is It’s Natural to be Afraid. And to be honest, I am afraid; of not getting
a job, feeling out of place, being a spinster (think Homeland where Carrie realizes her job in the CIA isn’t conducive
for a relationship and says to Saul, “I’m going to be alone the rest of my life
aren’t I?”), not knowing where I’ll be living, regretting that I’ve not done
enough here, missing Uganda, and always wanting to be somewhere else. The list
goes on.
I’ve sat here and just thought how I would
just love to be a travel blogger about or a free-lance writer about global
health. I love to write. But I’m pretty lazy about it. Most evenings when I get home I just want to
watch whatever TV series I just downloaded. For the past two hours I’ve been resisting the
urge to go watch Girls. Going back to Homeland, there’s a scene where Carrie and Brody are walking
through the woods and she says “Growing up this
is what I wanted. I never dreamed of the
corner office in New York, but of Uganda or Nepal.” Agreed. Is it ironic that I’m in Uganda applying for a
job in New York? At least international
travel is required.
*The following section was written mostly
back in January. I might be lazy, but at
least my obsessive saving paid off!*
Over the past few months, I’ve realized
there’s been a certain rhythm to my life.
I go abroad for a few months or years, and then I live in the states for
a few years. For years I’ve been
thinking that some day I’ll have to give it up and finally “settle down” in the
US. But then the other day, it hit me
that I don’t. Why do I have to give up
anything? Who says I have to one or the
other? If this works for me and makes me
happy, then why shouldn’t I continue it?
I realized that my life in the US and
abroad don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
I don’t have to give up one to have the other. I know in my heart that I will never be able
to totally give this up. It would be a disservice to myself, the work I’ve
done, and everyone who has supported me. A part of me will always want to be abroad. I
can’t and won’t pretend to be something I’m not.
A Peace Corps staff member emailed me today
asking if they need to start for another PCRV (Peace Corps Response Volunteer)
to replace me. Wait a minute! I can be
replaced? I won’t be the newest, hottest thing on the block anymore? I knew that I wouldn’t stay here forever. But I instantly felt a pang of jealousy for
whoever might be my predecessor and all the hope, excitement, uncertainty, and
expectations they feel in the next few months of applying and preparing for
their journey here.
*Back to the present.*
Who knows?
Maybe I will get that corner office in New York and love it. Or hate it. Maybe I will “settle down” after finding that
dreamy guy who embodies the qualities of the following men:
- The confidence of Don Draper minus the mysgony
- The drive of Jack Donagy minus the conservatism
- The charm and versatility of Ryan Gosling
- The folksiness and sensitivity of Fleet Foxes
- The wit of John Stewart and Stephen Colbert
- The humor of Conan O'Brien
*I worked pretty hard for a half hour on putting this into a really cool pie chart, but failed to correctly copy and paste it. I’m clearly going to need Jack
Donaghy to help me master pie charts. But am I asking too much?*
Maybe everything I want right now won’t
matter when I get back to America. That’s happened to me before. Either way, I’ll be alright.
Since March, I have felt torn about living
in Kentucky where I can be closer to friends and family or living on the East
Coast, where I would have more options to continue a career in global
health. I remember riding my bike into
town and feeling stressed about this.
But then I realized I have options. I thought about all the women in
Uganda (as well as the developing world in general) who have very few options
about where they live, how many kids they have, who they can marry, how much
education they get, and whether they can get a job. And here I am whining about how hard it will
be to choose where I want to live. At
least I can choose.
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