It's Natural To Be Afraid

As I am trudging through (only) my fourth resume and cover letter, I have been listening to the album All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone by Explosions in the Sky.  One of my favorite songs is It’s Natural to be Afraid.   And to be honest, I am afraid; of not getting a job, feeling out of place, being a spinster (think Homeland where Carrie realizes her job in the CIA isn’t conducive for a relationship and says to Saul, “I’m going to be alone the rest of my life aren’t I?”), not knowing where I’ll be living, regretting that I’ve not done enough here, missing Uganda, and always wanting to be somewhere else. The list goes on.

I’ve sat here and just thought how I would just love to be a travel blogger about or a free-lance writer about global health.  I love to write.  But I’m pretty lazy about it.  Most evenings when I get home I just want to watch whatever TV series I just downloaded.  For the past two hours I’ve been resisting the urge to go watch Girls.  Going back to Homeland, there’s a scene where Carrie and Brody are walking through the woods and she says “Growing up this is what I wanted.  I never dreamed of the corner office in New York, but of Uganda or Nepal.”  Agreed.  Is it ironic that I’m in Uganda applying for a job in New York?  At least international travel is required. 

*The following section was written mostly back in January.  I might be lazy, but at least my obsessive saving paid off!* 

Over the past few months, I’ve realized there’s been a certain rhythm to my life.  I go abroad for a few months or years, and then I live in the states for a few years.  For years I’ve been thinking that some day I’ll have to give it up and finally “settle down” in the US.  But then the other day, it hit me that I don’t.  Why do I have to give up anything?  Who says I have to one or the other?  If this works for me and makes me happy, then why shouldn’t I continue it?

I realized that my life in the US and abroad don’t have to be mutually exclusive.  I don’t have to give up one to have the other.  I know in my heart that I will never be able to totally give this up. It would be a disservice to myself, the work I’ve done, and everyone who has supported me.  A part of me will always want to be abroad.  I can’t and won’t pretend to be something I’m not.

A Peace Corps staff member emailed me today asking if they need to start for another PCRV (Peace Corps Response Volunteer) to replace me.  Wait a minute!  I can be replaced? I won’t be the newest, hottest thing on the block anymore?  I knew that I wouldn’t stay here forever.  But I instantly felt a pang of jealousy for whoever might be my predecessor and all the hope, excitement, uncertainty, and expectations they feel in the next few months of applying and preparing for their journey here.

*Back to the present.*

Who knows?  Maybe I will get that corner office in New York and love it.  Or hate it.  Maybe I will “settle down” after finding that dreamy guy who embodies the qualities of the following men: 

• The confidence of Don Draper minus the mysgony 
• The drive of Jack Donagy minus the conservatism
• The charm and versatility of Ryan Gosling
• The folksiness and sensitivity of Fleet Foxes
• The wit of John Stewart and Stephen Colbert
• The humor of Conan O'Brien

*I worked pretty hard for a half hour on putting this into a really cool pie chart, but failed to correctly copy and paste it.   I’m clearly going to need Jack Donaghy to help me master pie charts. But am I asking too much?*

Maybe everything I want right now won’t matter when I get back to America. That’s happened to me before.  Either way, I’ll be alright.  

Since March, I have felt torn about living in Kentucky where I can be closer to friends and family or living on the East Coast, where I would have more options to continue a career in global health.  I remember riding my bike into town and feeling stressed about this.  But then I realized I have options. I thought about all the women in Uganda (as well as the developing world in general) who have very few options about where they live, how many kids they have, who they can marry, how much education they get, and whether they can get a job.  And here I am whining about how hard it will be to choose where I want to live.  At least I can choose.